STORY I
❧
The Hoofprint and the Wheel
a short story
“The mind made tracks.”
I
The Flat Note
The woman who tuned pianos in the river town was named Odessa Boykin, and she sometimes thought God was a note held slightly flat.
She had first had the thought at twenty-nine, kneeling beside the scarred upright in the fellowship hall at St. Luke’s. The church had spent money on new choir robes and a brass plaque for the pastor’s anniversary but had not tuned its piano in nine years. Every hymn leaned toward heaven without quite arriving.
Odessa never told anyone what she thought. Someone would have called it irreverent. Someone else would have embroidered it on a pillow. She preferred to keep it to herself.
At seventy-one, she had a good ear, bad knees, and a narrow house on Delacroix Street where the porch faced west. On clear evenings, the light crossed the floorboards in a long gold shape that reached nearly to the kitchen. Her husband had died sixteen years earlier. Her brother had followed. Six years after that, she had buried her only son, Julian, who was forty-six and should not have gone before her.
People called that the wrong order of things. Odessa did not know what the right order was supposed to be. She only knew that grief did not obey sequence.
She still tuned four or five pianos a week. Schools, churches, funeral homes, the occasional private house where someone’s child had taken lessons for three months and then discovered soccer. She carried a black case containing her tuning lever, mutes, temperament strip, screwdrivers, and several things most customers could not identify but liked to watch her use.
The call came on an October morning while she was scraping burnt toast over the sink.
“Mrs. Boykin?”
“Depends on who’s asking.”
“My name is Cornelius Pryce.”
She knew the name. Everyone in town knew it. It appeared on apartment buildings, storage facilities, and three renovated warehouses along the river. PRYCE RESIDENTIAL was printed in navy beneath the balconies of places that had once been cheap enough for people Odessa knew to live in.
“I was given your number by St. Luke’s,” he said.
“Then they told you I tune pianos.”
“They said you were the best.”
“They should not have said that. Now I have to charge you more.”
There was a pause. Odessa could not tell whether he had understood the joke.
“I have a piano that has not been played in some time.”
“How much time?”
“Eleven years.”
“That is some time.”
“It is on the third floor.”
“That is information you should have led with.”
He apologized without sounding accustomed to it. They agreed on two o’clock.
The Pryce house stood on Beauregard behind an iron fence Odessa had driven past for decades. It was larger from inside the gate. The white columns were clean, but one of the gutters sagged, and damp had darkened the brick near a downspout. The neglect pleased her more than it should have.
Cornelius opened the door himself.
He wore gray trousers and a white shirt buttoned at the throat. Odessa had expected a large man. He was tall but had gone thin beneath his clothes, as though his body had been withdrawing from them by degrees. His face was narrow, his hair nearly white. One hand rested against the doorframe.
“I can take your case,” he said.
“No, you can’t.”
He looked offended, then glanced at the stairs.
“No,” he agreed.
On the second landing, Odessa stopped to let her knees complain. Cornelius stood below her, breathing through his mouth.
“You should have put the piano downstairs,” she said.
“It was not my decision.”
“Whose was it?”
“My wife’s.”
He said no more.
The piano occupied a third-floor room with tall windows facing the river. It was a mahogany Steinway grand, smaller than a concert instrument but still too large for the room. Dust had settled over its closed lid. A tarnished photograph stood on top: a dark-haired woman at the same piano, her head turned toward someone outside the frame.
Odessa set down her case.
“This is a fine instrument.”
“My wife said so.”
“What did you say?”
“That it took up too much room.”
She gave him a look. He received it without protest.
“Her name was Miriam,” he said.
Odessa opened the lid. The smell of old felt and wood rose from the case. No moth damage. No mice. The soundboard was dusty but intact. A few action parts would need regulation. The instrument had survived the silence.
She struck the A above middle C and checked it against her electronic reference. A little over 432. Nearly a third of a semitone flat. The three strings of the unison had wandered far enough apart to make the note shimmer unpleasantly.
Cornelius had lowered himself into a chair by the window.
“That is the sound,” he said.
“Which sound?”
“The one that made me call.”
Odessa struck the note again.
“It sounded worse before,” he said. “When the room was quiet.”
“That is usually when you hear things.”
He looked toward the river.
“I opened it Sunday night. I pressed one key. It sounded like the house.”
Odessa examined the tuning pins. Most appeared firm. She pressed several more keys, moving from bass to treble.
“It will take more than one visit,” she said.
“I was hoping it would not.”
“The piano does not know what you hoped.”
“Can you not simply bring it up today?”
“I can bring it close. It won’t stay there. Eleven years is a long time for several tons of tension to wander. I raise it today, let the wood and wire settle, then come back.”
He nodded, though he disliked the answer.
Odessa inserted the red felt strip between the strings, muting two strings of each three-string unison so she could tune the center ones first. She set the lever on a pin and moved it with the small controlled pressure her teacher, Mr. Lockett, had drilled into her forty-two years before.
Do not fight the pin, he used to say. Set it.
The first hour was ugly work. Raising the pitch of one section disturbed the others. Notes she had corrected slipped while she worked elsewhere. Cornelius remained in his chair, watching with a concentration that made her uneasy.
“What are you listening for?” he asked.
“The beat.”
“I don’t hear a beat.”
“You will.”
She sounded two strings slightly apart in pitch. A wavering pulse moved through the note.
“There,” she said. “That trembling.”
He leaned forward.
“Yes.”
“The farther apart the strings are, the faster it goes. When they agree, it slows.”
“Until it stops?”
“Until you cannot hear it fighting itself.”
Cornelius sat back. His right hand closed over his left, thumb pressed into the palm.
Odessa worked until the light began to lower. When she removed the temperament strip and played a chromatic run, the piano sounded brighter but restless. It would need time.
She closed her case and wrote the amount on an invoice.
Cornelius studied it.
“This is less than I expected.”
“That is the first time anyone has said that.”
He wrote a check at the desk. His handwriting was small and square.
At the door, he said, “Could you play something before you leave?”
“I tune. I don’t perform.”
“Anything.”
Odessa looked back at the piano.
“My wife played Bach,” he said.
“Then you are about to be disappointed.”
She sat. Her hands were stiff from the lever. She played the first hymn that came to her, slowly and with several wrong notes. She had heard “Precious Lord” from church benches and funeral parlors all her life. Julian had sung it too loudly as a boy, throwing his head back on the high notes as though volume were a form of devotion.
Odessa stopped after the first verse.
Cornelius was looking at the floor.
“The piano will shift,” she said. “Next Tuesday, two o’clock.”
“Yes.”
“This time, leave the lid open.”
He glanced at it.
“Does that help?”
“No,” Odessa said. “But you already went to the trouble.”
II
Tuesdays
The second Tuesday was supposed to be the last.
Odessa fine-tuned the piano, listening for the slow interference of close frequencies, testing octaves and fifths, working back through the temperament until the instrument began to hold itself together. Cornelius watched from the same chair. A glass of water and three prescription bottles stood on the table beside him.
When she had finished, she played a C-major scale.
The piano answered cleanly.
“There,” she said. “That should hold, unless you open all the windows during a rainstorm.”
“I have never opened those windows.”
“I believe that.”
He almost smiled.
She began packing her tools.
“Would you come again next Tuesday?”
“Is there another piano hidden somewhere?”
“No.”
“Then you do not need a tuner.”
“I thought you might play.”
“I told you I’m not a pianist.”
“You play more than I do.”
“That includes nearly everyone in town.”
“I would pay for your time.”
Odessa straightened.
“I don’t take charity.”
“Neither do I.”
He said it quickly, and she recognized something in his tone: pride meeting pride, neither willing to admit that company was being negotiated.
“All right,” she said. “One hour. Same rate I charge for a service call.”
“That seems excessive.”
“You live behind an iron fence.”
He looked toward the window.
“Tuesday,” he said.
The third Tuesday, he had made coffee. It was terrible. Odessa drank half a cup because he stood nearby waiting for judgment.
“You used too much coffee.”
“The directions said one tablespoon per cup.”
“You made four cups.”
“I used four tablespoons.”
“You used the serving spoon.”
He considered this.
“That may explain it.”
She played two hymns and a simplified arrangement of “Moon River” she had found in a stack of music at home. Cornelius sat without speaking. When the hour ended, he wrote her a check.
The following week there were ginger snaps beside the coffee. The coffee had improved.
By the fifth Tuesday, Odessa no longer pretended she was coming for the piano.
Cornelius sometimes asked her questions while she played, which annoyed her.
“Do you believe in heaven?”
“Not during the difficult parts.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means let me finish.”
He waited until the final chord.
“Well?”
“I believe death is not the best time to discover whether you have lived.”
“That is not an answer.”
“It is the answer you got.”
She learned that he had started with a six-unit apartment building purchased at auction when he was twenty-seven. Then came another building, then houses after the flood, then warehouses and storage facilities. He liked numbers because numbers did not alter their meaning in the middle of a conversation. Occupancy. Interest. Square footage. Debt service. He had trusted whatever could be placed in a column.
Miriam had taught music at the high school for thirty-one years. The Steinway had belonged to her grandmother.
“She left without it?” Odessa asked.
Cornelius adjusted the cuff of his shirt.
“She moved to an apartment.”
“That piano could have moved too.”
He said nothing.
Odessa did not press. Not that Tuesday.
On the sixth, she attempted “Precious Lord” again.
She reached the middle and lost her place. The notes on the page blurred, though she had played from memory. Her hands remained on the keys without pressing them.
Cornelius waited.
He had become better at waiting. During the first weeks he had filled every silence with questions. Now he sat until Odessa removed her hands from the keyboard.
“My son used to sing that,” she said.
Cornelius looked at her. “Julian?”
She had mentioned the name once.
“Yes.”
“How old was he?”
“Forty-six.”
“That is indecent.”
“Yes.”
“Was he ill long?”
“Long enough for us to get bad at being kind.”
Cornelius said nothing.
Odessa studied her hands. The nails were trimmed close. A half-moon of black graphite remained beside her right thumbnail from marking a troublesome hammer shank that morning.
“He had cancer in his stomach,” she said. “They kept offering treatments. Each one bought a little time and took something else from him. Near the end, he wanted to stop. I told him he was quitting.”
“You wanted him to live.”
“I wanted what I wanted.”
“Those may be the same thing.”
“They were not the same to him.”
She remembered Julian in the hospital bed, his face turned toward the window. She had said, You don’t get to quit because you’re tired.
He had answered, I’m the one who’s tired, Ma.
It was the last full conversation they had. Later there had been apologies made with hands, water cups, blankets, the lifting and lowering of his body. But no more sentences large enough to replace those two.
“You were afraid,” Cornelius said.
“I was unkind.”
“Both can be true.”
Odessa looked at him. He was studying the carpet, not congratulating himself for wisdom.
“Yes,” she said. “They can.”
He reached for his glass and missed it slightly. Odessa handed it to him without comment.
“My daughter does not speak to me,” he said.
“Children sometimes have reasons.”
“She has several.”
“Then you know where to begin.”
“I know where it began. That is not the same.”
Her name was Leah. She was forty-two and lived in Portland. Miriam had moved there after leaving Cornelius so she could be near her.
“What did your wife leave for?” Odessa asked.
He made an impatient motion.
“You do not have to answer,” she said.
“No. I do. I simply dislike the answer.”
He had not hit Miriam. He had not cheated on her. Those were the defenses he had offered at first, as though marriage were a trial in which avoiding the worst charges should earn acquittal.
He had dismissed what she loved. He had worked through birthdays and illnesses and one anniversary when she had sat alone at a restaurant until the staff began turning up chairs. He had answered her unhappiness with checks, new appliances, vacations he did not attend. When she asked him to come home earlier, he heard criticism. When she stopped asking, he called it peace.
After Miriam left, she requested that the Steinway be shipped to Portland.
“I told her she could arrange the movers,” Cornelius said.
“Could she afford them?”
“She could have asked Leah.”
“That was not my question.”
“No.”
He rubbed his palm with his thumb.
“I could have sent it. I did not.”
“Why?”
“Because she had left.”
“That is not a reason.”
“It was at the time.”
Miriam was diagnosed with ovarian cancer four years later. Cornelius paid medical bills that no one had asked him to pay. When she called and asked whether he would come to Portland, he told her he had meetings.
“I did not have meetings,” he said.
Odessa waited.
“She died three weeks later.”
At the funeral, Leah had accused him of abandoning her mother. Cornelius answered that he had paid for every doctor, every nurse, every medication.
“She said money was the only language I had bothered to learn. I told her at least I had learned one.”
Odessa closed the music on the piano.
“That was cruel.”
“Yes.”
“I meant what you said.”
“I know.”
For six years, Leah had not answered his calls.
Outside, a leaf scraped back and forth across the roof. Cornelius breathed shallowly.
“Do you think people can wait too long?” he asked.
“Yes.”
The answer surprised him.
Odessa continued. “That does not tell you what to do today.”
On the next Tuesday, a paperback book fell from between the sheets of music she carried. Its cover was creased, its pages stained brown along the edges.
Cornelius picked it up.
“The Dhammapada,” he said. “Are you a Buddhist?”
“No.”
“Then why do you have it?”
“It was Julian’s.”
Cornelius opened to a page that had been folded at the corner. Several lines were underlined in blue ink.
“‘Mind precedes all mental states,’” he read. “‘Mind is their chief; they are all mind-wrought.’”
“Julian liked underlining.”
Cornelius continued through the passage about suffering following a corrupted mind as the wheel follows the ox that pulls the cart.
He closed the book.
“So I thought myself into cancer.”
“No.”
“The book appears to say—”
“The book does not know your pancreas.”
“What does it say, then?”
Odessa held out her hand, and he returned the book.
“It says thought makes a road. You walk the same thought long enough, the wheel learns the track.”
“What thought did you walk?”
For a moment she resented him.
Then she looked at Julian’s blue line beneath the words.
“That the last hard thing I said to my son was the truest thing between us.”
“Was it?”
“No. But I made it louder than everything else.”
Cornelius turned his face toward the window.
“And my thought?”
“You tell me.”
He took a long time.
“That there would not be enough.”
“Enough what?”
“Anything.”
The room held the answer without improving it.
Cornelius lowered his head. “Do you believe God loves people who waste their lives?”
“I don’t know anyone who hasn’t wasted part of theirs.”
“That is not what I asked.”
“My mother used to button me into my church coat and say, ‘God is love, Odessa.’ Every Sunday. I spent fifty years hearing it as homework.”
“What do you hear now?”
Odessa looked at the open piano, its black lid rising above the strings.
“I’m not sure yet.”
III
The Call
By the eighth Tuesday, a hospice nurse had begun coming to the house.
The piano no longer needed Odessa, but Cornelius did not pretend otherwise. He paid her forty dollars for the hour. She accepted because accepting let him remain a customer rather than a project. She had no wish to become his final charitable experience.
His legs had weakened. A portable oxygen concentrator hummed near his chair. He hated the sound and complained that it interfered with the piano.
“You are not hearing the piano over your own irritation,” Odessa told him.
“I am paying to be irritated in my own house.”
“That may be the business model that made you rich.”
He gave a short laugh that turned into coughing.
One Tuesday in late November, Odessa found a yellow legal pad on the music rack.
Cornelius had written three pages.
“What is that?”
“A statement.”
“To whom?”
“Leah.”
Odessa sat and read the first paragraph.
I regret that the circumstances surrounding your mother’s illness and passing resulted in estrangement and misunderstandings between us.
She drew a line through the entire sentence.
Cornelius stared at her. “What was wrong with it?”
“Nothing happened in that sentence. Circumstances did everything. Misunderstandings did the rest. You are not in it.”
“It is only an opening.”
“It is an exit.”
He reached for the pad. She handed it back.
“I am not good at this,” he said.
“No.”
“You might soften that.”
“You did not hire me to soften things.”
“I hired you to play the piano.”
“Then put that away.”
He laid the pad on the table but kept one hand over it.
“I would like to call her.”
“Then call.”
“I would like you to stay.”
Odessa studied him.
“Why?”
“Because if I begin explaining myself, I want someone here who will tell me to stop.”
“That is a poor reason to involve me in family business.”
“It is the only honest one I have.”
Odessa moved from the piano bench to the chair across from him.
Cornelius picked up his phone. His thumb hovered over the screen.
“She may not answer.”
“No.”
“She may hang up.”
“Yes.”
“You have become less comforting over time.”
“I am pacing myself.”
He pressed the number.
The phone rang twice.
“Hello?”
Cornelius’s mouth opened, but no sound emerged.
“Hello?” the woman said again.
“Leah.”
A silence followed.
“I know,” she said.
Her voice was low and tired. Cornelius looked at Odessa as if she might provide the next sentence. Odessa shook her head.
“I am ill,” he said.
“How ill?”
“Cancer. Pancreatic. It has spread.”
“How long have you known?”
“Since September.”
“And you are calling at the end of November.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
He glanced at the legal pad.
“I did not want to die without telling you—”
“Without making me take care of your conscience?”
Cornelius closed his eyes.
“No,” he said. Then, “That is not entirely true.”
Leah made a sound that might have been a laugh, though there was no amusement in it.
Cornelius gripped the arm of his chair.
“I should have gone to your mother,” he said. “When she called. I told her I had meetings. I did not. I stayed away because I wanted her to ask again. I wanted her to be sorry she left.”
Odessa heard Leah breathe.
“I paid the bills because paying let me pretend I had done my part,” Cornelius continued. “I had not.”
“Did someone write this for you?”
“No.”
Odessa looked at the crossed-out pages.
“The piano tuner crossed out what I wrote.”
“The piano tuner?”
“Mrs. Boykin.”
“Is she there now?”
“Yes.”
“Of course you have an audience.”
Cornelius flinched.
Odessa stood.
“No,” he said quickly. “I asked her to stay because I was afraid I would turn this into a negotiation.”
Leah was quiet.
“You always turn things into negotiations,” she said.
“I know.”
“Stop agreeing with me as though that makes you different.”
Cornelius swallowed. “All right.”
“That is agreeing.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Then for once, don’t say anything.”
He did not.
Odessa sat again.
The concentrator hummed. Somewhere downstairs, the old heating system knocked inside the wall.
At last Leah said, “What do you want from me?”
Cornelius rubbed his thumb across his palm.
“I wanted you to know that I know what I did.”
“That isn’t repair.”
“No.”
“You do not get credit for understanding it when you are dying.”
“No.”
“Stop that.”
Cornelius covered his eyes with one hand.
“I don’t know whether I want forgiveness,” he said. “I think I do. I also know I have no right to ask. I wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to tell you I love you, though I understand that may not be useful to you now.”
Leah did not answer.
Cornelius lowered his hand.
“I kept the piano,” he said. “Your mother asked for it. I could have sent it. I kept it because it was something she wanted.”
“I know.”
He looked startled.
“She told me.”
“I am sorry.”
“She cried about that piano more than she cried about you.”
Cornelius bent forward as though struck, but he did not defend himself.
After a long silence, Leah said, “What happens now?”
“I don’t know.”
“What did the doctor say?”
“Weeks. Perhaps less.”
Odessa watched his hand release the chair arm.
“I can get there Thursday afternoon,” Leah said.
Cornelius looked at Odessa.
“I can purchase—”
“I already have the flights open.”
He stopped.
“I am coming,” Leah said, “because I need to see what is left. I am not promising you anything.”
“I understand.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Probably not.”
Another silence.
Then Leah said, “Text me the nurse’s number. Not your lawyer’s. The nurse.”
“I will.”
“Goodbye.”
“Goodbye, Leah.”
She ended the call.
Cornelius remained motionless. Odessa waited for him to cry. Instead, he looked at the phone with irritation.
“That went badly.”
“Parts of it.”
“I thought she might say she loved me.”
“She did not.”
“You need not confirm every terrible thing.”
“You asked me to stay so you would not start bargaining.”
“That does not mean I require punishment.”
Odessa stood sharply.
“I am not punishing you.”
“You sit there with all your clean answers because it was not your daughter.”
The words landed where he had intended them to land.
Odessa put the music into her bag.
“You’re right,” she said.
Cornelius’s anger collapsed.
“No,” he said. “I am sorry.”
“Do not make me holy because you need someone holy in the room. I am tired. I said cruel things to my son too. The difference is that I had forty-six years of loving him before I said them.”
Cornelius looked down.
Odessa lifted her case.
“She said Thursday,” she said. “That is what you have.”
He nodded.
At the door, he asked, “Will you play the song?”
Odessa turned.
“The one you could not finish.”
She looked at the bench. For six years, she had stopped at the same measure. She had told herself it was because the chord was awkward beneath her left hand. The chord was not difficult.
She sat.
The first time through, she struck the wrong bass note and stopped.
Cornelius did not speak.
Odessa began again.
She played slowly, not trying to make the hymn beautiful. She let one note ring too long. She rushed another. At the measure where she usually stopped, she felt Julian’s hospital room rise around her: the paper cup of ice, the mechanical bed, his bare feet beneath the blanket.
She kept playing.
When the last chord faded, Cornelius’s face was wet.
Odessa’s was too.
Neither mentioned it.
Cornelius reached for his checkbook. He wrote and tore out a check.
Odessa looked at the amount.
“This is for a thousand dollars.”
“I know.”
“My fee is forty.”
“I know.”
“Then why did you write it?”
He gave a tired shrug. “Habit.”
Odessa tore the check into four pieces and dropped them in the wastebasket. She held out her hand.
Cornelius wrote another for forty dollars.
“Thank you,” he said.
“That is better.”
“I don’t know how else to thank you.”
“Then don’t rush.”
Before she left, Cornelius said, “Do you think God loves me?”
Odessa rested one hand on the doorframe.
“I don’t know how to measure God’s love.”
“That is convenient.”
“Probably.”
“What do you know?”
She thought of Julian. She thought of Leah’s voice coming through the phone, angry and present.
“You called your daughter,” she said. “That is what I know tonight.”
IV
Thursday
The hospice nurse called Odessa at six forty Wednesday morning.
Cornelius had died sometime before dawn. The nurse had found him in bed, one hand beneath his cheek. The piano lid was still open upstairs because neither he nor Odessa had closed it Tuesday night.
Odessa sat on the edge of her bed with the phone against her ear.
“Was he in pain?” she asked.
“Not when I found him.”
It was not an answer, but Odessa accepted it.
Leah arrived Thursday afternoon.
At five fifteen, Odessa’s phone rang from the Pryce house.
“Is this Mrs. Boykin?”
“Yes.”
“This is Leah Pryce.”
Odessa waited.
“I found your card beside the piano,” Leah said. “Would you come?”
The iron gate stood open when Odessa arrived.
Leah was on the third floor, still wearing the coat she had traveled in. She was shorter than her father and broad through the shoulders. Gray had begun at her temples. She had Miriam’s mouth from the photograph, though at that moment it was pressed into a hard line.
Several stacks of sheet music lay on the floor.
“You’re the tuner,” Leah said.
“Odessa.”
“Leah.”
They stood without moving toward one another.
Leah turned to the piano.
“He told you my mother left this?”
“He said it was hers.”
“He said she left it.”
“Yes.”
“She asked him to send it three times.”
“I learned that Tuesday.”
“He preferred sentences where things happened by themselves.”
Odessa understood what she meant.
Leah sat on the bench and touched the fallboard.
“I spent the whole flight thinking he might still be alive when I got here. Then I spent the ride from the airport knowing he wasn’t. I kept checking my phone as though the nurse might change her mind.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you?”
Odessa looked at her.
Leah shook her head. “That was unfair.”
“It was.”
“You don’t have to agree so quickly.”
“Your father said the same thing.”
For a moment, Leah’s mouth altered. Not a smile. The possibility of one.
She looked down at the keys.
“Did he change?”
Odessa considered the question.
“He was changing.”
“That is not the same thing.”
“No.”
“Did you believe he was sorry?”
“I believed he was sorry.”
“That is not what I asked either.”
“It is the answer I have.”
Leah stood and walked to the window. The river beyond the warehouses looked dull beneath a low sky.
“He got to be honest for one phone call,” she said. “I get six years of silence and one phone call, and now everyone will tell me I should be grateful he made it.”
“I won’t tell you that.”
“He kept my mother’s piano to punish her.”
“Yes.”
“He did not come when she was dying.”
“I know.”
“He made me do everything. The doctors, the morphine, the funeral home. Then he sent a check.”
Odessa remained beside the bench.
“You do not have to make him better for me,” Leah said.
“I wasn’t planning to.”
Leah turned.
“What did he say about me?”
“That you had reasons not to answer.”
“That sounds like him near the end, not before.”
“Near the end is when I knew him.”
Leah wiped beneath one eye with the heel of her hand, angry at the tear.
“I should have come Wednesday.”
“You came when you decided to come.”
“One day late.”
“Your father waited six years. Do not carry his part too.”
Leah’s face tightened.
“You make it sound simple.”
“It is not simple.”
“You said it like it was.”
Odessa sat on the bench because her knees had begun to hurt.
“My son died six years ago,” she said. “The last clear conversation we had, I accused him of quitting because he did not want more treatment. For years I treated that conversation as though it were the whole of us. I made it bigger than his forty-six birthdays, bigger than the time he fixed my porch after a storm, bigger than every Sunday he sang too loud beside me.”
Leah did not speak.
“The words mattered,” Odessa continued. “I wish I had not said them. But they were not the only true thing.”
“I said terrible things to my father too.”
“I expect some of them were accurate.”
Leah let out a sound halfway between a sob and a laugh.
“Yes,” she said. “Some were.”
She returned to the piano. Beneath a stack of exercises she found a yellowed volume of Bach preludes. Miriam’s name was written inside in blue ink.
Leah opened it to the first prelude in C major.
“She played this when I was little,” she said. “Usually when he was downstairs shouting into the phone.”
Her fingers found the opening pattern. The first measures came unevenly. She stopped.
“I haven’t played since college.”
“The piano has been waiting eleven years. It can wait through mistakes.”
Leah began again.
Odessa listened. The tuning had held well, though one unison in the upper middle register had drifted. Each time Leah reached it, a faint tremble passed through the note.
She finished the first page and removed her hands.
“He listened to you play?”
“Every Tuesday.”
“He hated music.”
“I don’t think he hated it. I think he did not know what to do while it was happening.”
“That sounds like him.”
Odessa opened her case.
“What are you doing?”
“One string moved.”
“You can hear that?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t.”
“You would eventually.”
Odessa placed a rubber mute between two strings, set her lever on the pin, and sounded the note. The beat pulsed quickly. She eased the string upward, settled the pin, and struck it again.
The pulse slowed.
Leah watched her.
“When do you know it is right?”
“When I stop having to ask.”
Odessa removed the mute.
Leah sounded the chord again. This time the note held cleanly inside it.
“I am taking the piano,” she said.
“To Portland?”
“It was my mother’s.”
“Moving it will knock it out of tune.”
“I assumed it would.”
“You’ll need a technician after it settles.”
“Do you know one there?”
“I can find one.”
Leah closed the music.
“My father would have told me shipping it made no financial sense.”
“Money can move a piano.”
Leah looked at her.
“That may be the kindest thing anyone has said about money in this house.”
“It has its uses.”
They went downstairs. Leah made coffee with the same serving spoon Cornelius had used the first Tuesday. Odessa watched her measure four heaping spoonfuls into the machine.
“That is too much,” Odessa said.
Leah stared at the spoon.
“He made terrible coffee.”
“He learned eventually.”
Leah removed half the grounds.
They drank at the kitchen table. They did not weep together. They did not forgive the dead or solve what he had left behind. Leah asked what Cornelius wore during the last weeks, whether he had been frightened, whether he spoke of Miriam after the call. Odessa answered what she could.
At the door, Leah said, “May I keep your number?”
“For the piano?”
“Perhaps.”
“Start with the piano.”
Two months later, Odessa received a postcard. On the front was Mount Hood under a blue sky. On the back, Leah had written:
The piano made the trip. It is in my living room. I have not decided what else made it. The tuner comes Friday.
Odessa placed the postcard inside Julian’s copy of the Dhammapada, beside the passage he had underlined.
V
What the Hand Remembers
Odessa tuned pianos for seven more years.
By the eighth, the joints in her fingers had begun to stiffen, and her right shoulder protested when she worked the larger tuning pins. She took on an apprentice named Caleb Reed, a serious young man with a good ear and impatient hands.
“Stop trying to win,” she told him one afternoon at St. Luke’s.
“I’m not trying to win.”
“You are wrestling the pin.”
“It keeps slipping.”
“Because you are wrestling it.”
She took the lever and showed him how to move the pin a fraction beyond the pitch, then settle it back until the string held. Caleb leaned close as though force of attention might reveal the movement.
“You always say the note wants to be somewhere,” he said.
“That is just how I talk.”
“So the note doesn’t want anything?”
“Not that it has told me.”
“Then why say it?”
“Because if I say ‘four hundred forty cycles per second,’ people stop listening.”
Caleb smiled.
Odessa handed the lever back.
“Again.”
When she could no longer work a full tuning, she took the calls and sent Caleb. He came by Delacroix Street afterward with questions and stale pastries from the bakery near the river.
Once, he asked about Cornelius Pryce.
Someone at St. Luke’s had told him a version of the story in which Odessa converted a rich man on his deathbed. In that version, Cornelius confessed every sin, Leah forgave him, and the piano played perfectly during a thunderstorm.
“Church people add weather when a story needs help,” Odessa said.
“What really happened?”
“He learned to make one phone call.”
“That’s all?”
“No,” Odessa said. “It wasn’t all.”
She did not explain further.
Leah telephoned twice over the years. The first time was about a sticking key. The second was after she found one of Miriam’s old recital programs beneath the piano bench. They spoke for twenty minutes. Leah still had not decided whether she forgave her father.
Odessa told her there was no deadline.
“Forgiveness may not be the right word,” Leah said.
“Then don’t use it.”
“I understand why he became the way he was.”
“That does not require you to approve of it.”
“No.”
Leah paused. “He would hate that I give piano lessons in the house.”
“Do you?”
“Three children on Saturdays. They are terrible.”
“Children are supposed to be terrible at first.”
“One of them kicks the bench.”
“Charge his mother extra.”
They both laughed.
Afterward, Odessa sat on her west-facing porch with Julian’s book in her lap. She read again the old passage about the mind, the ox, and the wheel.
When Julian first died, the teaching had angered her. It sounded like one more way to blame a suffering person for suffering. As though pain were evidence of impurity. As though illness, abandonment, poverty, and death were punishments thought into existence by people who had failed to keep their minds clean.
She no longer read it that way.
Cornelius had not caused his cancer by fear. Julian had not caused his by exhaustion. Odessa had not killed her son with one terrible sentence.
But the mind made tracks.
Cornelius had spent decades thinking love was a transaction and scarcity the first law of life. His wealth had followed that thought, and so had his loneliness.
Odessa had taken one hard afternoon with Julian and walked around it until her memory wore a road. The wheel followed because she kept placing her feet in the same prints.
The death remained. The words remained. Love did not alter the past.
It made more of the past visible.
There was Julian at seven, asleep beneath the piano while she tuned at St. Luke’s. Julian at fourteen, pretending not to know her when she volunteered at his school. Julian at twenty-nine, replacing the porch rail without being asked. Julian in the hospital, angry and frightened. Julian later, when speech had left him, pressing his thumb once against the back of her hand.
She had made the wrong sentence louder than all of that.
Now she let the other sounds return.
On Sundays when Odessa was a child, her mother had buttoned her into a navy coat and said, “God is love.” Odessa had heard it as an assignment: love God properly, love God enough, prove yourself by loving God.
Only near the end of her life did she hear the grammar.
Her mother had not said God demanded love.
She had said God was love.
Odessa did not pretend to understand everything that meant. She had known love that was clumsy, late, frightened, possessive, and mixed with pride. She had known love that failed to arrive at the hospital. Love that made the wrong demand of a dying son. Love that kept a piano prisoner for eleven years. Love that crossed out a bad apology, stayed through a worse telephone call, and charged forty dollars because neither person could bear to call the hour a gift.
Love did not excuse any of it.
It stayed in the room while the truth was spoken.
Odessa had once thought love for God, love from God, and love for the difficult person in front of her were three separate matters. By then she knew only that when one of them was real, the other two were somewhere nearby.
She was eighty when Caleb took over the business entirely.
On a clear evening in October, he stopped at her house after tuning the upright three doors down. Odessa was in bed beside the open window. The low light had reached across the floor and touched the leg of the dresser.
“How did it go?” she asked.
“Mrs. Hargrove says it sounds better.”
“What do you say?”
“The bass is false. I got it close.”
“Close is sometimes the honest answer.”
Caleb placed her old tuning lever on the nightstand. Odessa had given it to him months earlier, but he kept bringing it back as though she had loaned it.
“You keep this,” she said.
“It’s yours.”
“It was Mr. Lockett’s before it was mine. Tools don’t care whose name is on them.”
Caleb turned the worn wooden handle in his hand.
“I’ll come tomorrow,” he said.
“You have calls.”
“I can come after.”
“We’ll see.”
He hesitated, then bent and kissed her forehead.
Odessa had never been comfortable with solemn departures. She waved him away.
“Go home.”
After he left, she listened to the evening gather around the house. A car door. A dog barking twice. Water moving through the old pipes. Farther down Delacroix Street, someone began practicing scales on the piano Caleb had tuned.
The same low note returned several times. On the first attempt it beat quickly against its neighbor. Odessa could hear the young player strike it again, dissatisfied without knowing why.
The note came once more.
The wavering slowed.
Odessa thought of Cornelius in the chair by the window. Leah on the piano bench in her traveling coat. Julian singing too loudly beside her at St. Luke’s. Her mother’s fingers working the stubborn button beneath Odessa’s chin.
She did not ask whether she had loved any of them well enough.
The note sounded again, rose a little, trembled, and settled.
Odessa listened until the two strings could no longer be told apart.
She did not try to name what came after.